when you wish you could be like the cool kids...

{disclosure:  the following post is raw, real and leaves me completely vulnerable.  yet, i know i must get these thoughts out before they completely consume me.  if you choose to continue reading, please know that my fervent prayer is that what i am feeling will resonate with someone else.}

The past month or so has been hard.

I don't really know why.

But I think I know when it started.

On the morning commute to carline, on no particular day of the week, while passing the Food Lion, my girl asked to listen to her Kidz Bop CD.  I obliged.  To be honest, after dancing and singing along to Shake It Off, I sort of zoned out.  I was lost in thought about all that was waiting for me when I got the office.  It wasn't until we were passing Dunkin Donuts that I heard the words she was singing at the top of her lungs.

I wish that I could be like the cool kids.
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.

I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids.

I had never heard the song.

I didn't like it.  So I changed it.  She wondered why.  I told I wanted to hear a song I knew the words to.  It wasn't until after I had dropped her off, circled back to daycare to drop off my chunky dude, and was on my way to work that I returned to that song to make sure I had heard correctly.

I had.

I still didn't like it.

So, I cried the whole way to work.

I didn't know why.

Until today...

I can finally put words to how my heart feels.

I am lonely.

There, I said it.

I am lonely.

Aside from work and time with my family, I do not have a group of friends.

No girls nights.  Or Bunco nights.  Or shopping trips. 

Before you go feeling sorry for me, don't. 

Because I don't do the inviting either.

I am in a lonely season of motherhood.

A season where there doesn't seem to be enough time to take care of my family.

Much less a friendship.

I'm in the weeds, if you will.

But sometimes, in the midst of the weeds, all you see is the wildflowers of vibrant colors all around you.  You begin to feel jealous.  Like you are missing out.  Or worse, that you aren't cool enough to hang out with that group of people.  Just last week, two days shy of my 38th birthday, I was feeling this way.  So, I made a decision.

I deleted Facebook off of my phone.

Because I was tired of scrolling my newsfeed and feeling bad about myself. 

I was sick of the time I was wasting on social media. 

This is not to say that I don't look at social media anymore.

I just have to be more intentional about seeking it out. 
It isn't right at my fingertips all day, everyday.

And you want to know what has happened.

I feel better.

I have used the time I would have wasted on Facebook to read my Bible and journal.

To spend some time in prayer asking for understanding of my own feelings.

This morning at church, the simple words of a friend illuminated something in my heart.

The very something I have been searching for these past few weeks.

She put words to my feelings.

"It's not worth it to be part of the cool crowd."

In high school, all I wanted was to be one of the cool kids.  I chased popularity hard and fast.  I changed who I was in order to fit in.  Until one day, I no longer recognized myself.

I'm discovering high school never really leaves you.  It just changes locations.  It can be at work.  Or at church.  At the ballfield.  Or the dance studio.  Cliques are everywhere. 

But I'll let you in on a little secret.

Popularity is a myth.

The moment you think you have obtained it is the moment you will continue to fight to maintain it. 

And it is a full-time job.

Ask me how I know.

I quit that job a long time ago.

But every so often, I believe the lie.  I fall for the mirage and drink the sand.

I may not be one of the cool kids.  Because I don't seem to fit in.

And I'm okay with that.

I may still be lonely.  But it is just for a season.

I know deep in my heart that I have friends who stick closer than brothers.  Friends who would drop everything and come when I need them most.  We may not have dinner dates or girls nights or whatever.  Yet, what we do have is a mutual love for one another that is rooted in Jesus.

And that trumps all the rest.

While I find myself on the outside of so many things, I also look around and find myself smack dab in the middle of something beautiful.  A place where He can continue to mold me and shape me and work me into a better image of Himself.  He is using this lonely place of mine to draw me closer to Him.  And it is there, in the discovering who He is, I am finding my best Friend.  All over again.