that time i almost drowned...

i almost drown when i was little.

the details are fuzzy, but i remember wearing a pink nightgown.

we are at a hotel swimming pool. 

my diddy and uncles were around the pool.

i was told i could dip my feet in the water, but not to go further than the first step.

i didn't listen.

dipping my toes in the water, i kept inching in the water.  deeper and deeper.

and then i slipped.

the water overtook me and i couldn't find which way was up.
i remember strong arms hoisting me out of the cool. blue water.
pulling me to safety and calmly waiting until i caught my breath.

many of the days we have endured recently have felt the same.

each time i feel as if i have my footing, another wave crashes over me.

i lose my footing and slip under the waves.  not knowing which way is up.

truth be told, there have been days when i have wondered whether God cared if i drowned or not.

a furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. the disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”               ~mark 4:37-38

those are the moments when i know, beyond any doubt, that i have taken my eyes off Jesus. 
moments where i am flailing and struggling and gasping for breath.
moments that feel empty and hopeless and void of any light.

there is a storm that has been raging for over a year.
we have paddled to calmer seas.  only to be met with another furious squall.
we have struggled to stay afloat.  
many times shouldering the entire burden of keeping everyone above the waves. 
but when you don't know how to swim, it is impossible to keep those around you from drowning.
let alone yourself.

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “quiet! be still!” then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “why are you so afraid? do you still have no faith?”                ~mark 4: 39-40

when faced with the ferocious storm, i have had to accept that my faith falters. 
i doubt.
i mistrust.
i worry.
i react.
i misspeak.
i forget.

but Jesus.
He is steadfast.
He is trust-worthy.
He is truth.
He is light.
He is love.
He is faithful.

oh, me of little faith.
the one who focuses more on the storm and less on the One who calms the sea.
the one who doubts He cares if i drown or not.
the one who forgets that He walked on water.

the storm still rages on.
but i'm learning to swim.
to meet Jesus in the midst of the treacherous waves.
and allow Him to keep me afloat.

like the little girl in the pink nightgown who dipped beneath the water at the hotel pool, the strong arms of my Savior have rescued me from beneath the crashing waves and set my feet on a rock.
He has stilled my heart and breathed fresh air into my heart.

there is devastation in the wake of the storm.
but there is a Redeemer who promises a hope and a future.
today, i am less focused on the storm and the chaos.
and more purposed on the One who rescues me from drowning.